Laxatives, I'm Counting on You

 

(This is my parody of "All I Want for Christmas Is You.")

slow section

I consumed too much this season;
Piled the food up, yes indeed!

Second helpings for no reason;
Ample samples, that's my creed.

I need some relief, you know,

Something that'll help me go.

Constipation blu-u-u-ues!

Laxatives, I'm countiiiing ...

O-o-o-o-o-on ... youuuuu, yeah.

[Let's pick it up a bit here...]

I consumed too much this season;
Piled the food up, yes indeed!

(That's right) Second helpings for no reason;
Ample samples, that's my creed.

I feel bloated, and I'm cramping;

I'm so blocked, I can't think straight.

Santa Claus, please give me something

To make this big round gut deflate.

I need some relief, you know,

Something that'll help me go.

Constipation blues!

Laxatives, I'm counting on you

(to save me).

Oh, why'd I eat so much this season?

I look like a beached whale in the snow.

(And I...) I'm expanding, constipating

Underneath the mistletoe.

Belly's bustin'; it's distended.

Just like last year, I got sick.

(Why) Why'd I say yes to deep-fried fruitcake?

Feels like I'm carrying a ginger brick.

Yeah, I need some relief tonight.

I'll pop a couple, then I'll sit tight.

What more can I do?

Laxatives, I'm counting on you

(to save me)!

Oh no!

My celebration became

a gluttonous affair.

I should have known I'd be needin'

some intestinal repair.

I feel my stomach turnin',

My bloated bowels are burnin'.

Santa, come New Year's Day, I'll turn a new leaf.

In the meantime, I need some quick relief.

Oh, I really lost control this season;

My gut feels like a nuclear core. 

(I) I've gotta figure out a way to end

This nasty intestinal tug-o-war.

What's the hold-up? I don't know!

Cryin' and cursin' cuz I can't go.

Constipation blues!

Baby, hand me those chalky chocolatyyyyyy...

(Oh) soooft...chewwwws

(Ooh, baby!)

Fetch me some extra-strength laxatives soon, baby.

Gentle and effective soft chews, baby.

Speed up the process, and I'll thank you, baby.

David Acosta © 2025